Toronto

Hello, all ūüôā

Where is my warm welcome back? There is none?? Because I’ve been away for so long???

I understand, and I deserve it. I’m glad no one reads this little deserted island of internet anymore ūüėā

Just an update: I’m adding a travel section to this blog, and I’m doing it for two reasons. One, I don’t blog a lot anymore cause I’m always going places now. And two, I love travel just as much as blogging, so it’ll give me an excuse to keep up with this thing.

And to begin your journey with me through my travels, we will throw it back to my many trips I took last year to

Toronto.

I went to Toronto a lot last year, and I had a love/hate relationship with the city. I loved it cause it was big and kind of nice to walk in, but I hated it cause it was big and you had to walk everywhere, which sucked in the middle of the FRIGID Canadian winter.

On the way to Toronto once.

Looking back on Toronto now, I’m pretty sure the only two things I really liked there were the shopping and this one bar I ate spaghetti in once (I don’t have any idea what it was called).

Another view of the Toronto skyline. I love when you take a picture of the horizon, and you can see in it that the earth is round.

Toronto taught me a lot of things about life, and I’m sad I don’t have many pictures of the city anymore. (Actually, I probably do somewhere. I’m just too lazy to go find them, so later when I stumble into some, I’ll make another post about this city.)

On the way home from Toronto once

I think the most important thing I learned from this city, though, is to enjoy every single second of every single day no matter what. You never know what life will throw at you, and you never know God’s plan. Things change really fast, so enjoy the way they are when they still are that way. Cause you just never know.

Me in Toronto once

And that is all for photos I have on my phone of Toronto. I know I have more somewhere, but I just can’t deal with that right now ūüėā If you ever have the chance to go to Toronto, I highly recommend it if it’s the summer. If it’s winter, it’s still fun, just bring a lot of thick clothing, take advantage of the free ice skating, and make sure you’re back in your hotel (or wherever you’re staying) before the sun starts to set. After 4 pm in the winter, you will freeze to death outside.

Thanks so much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed ‚̧ Talk to you again soon.

New Beginnings

Hello ^^ I realize I haven’t posted since July, but I just wanted to come on here to give a little update and hopefully break the silence.

It’s been quite hectic since I returned from my trip this summer, with school finally finishing up and me still juggling multiple jobs. But it is all finally over, and I couldn’t be more grateful to be starting 2018.

I’m pretty sure I’ve done New Year resolution posts for the past few years, but if I made this a post dedicated to that, it would already be over.

You see, 2017 was a hectic year for me in more ways than one, and now that I’m at the end of it, I’m completely drained. I can tell you all the reasons why, but I’d rather not dwell on them. The only thing that matters here is that it’s been a struggle, and for the past month, I’ve been slowly tearing.

But I’m sick of living in this fragile state; it’s too draining to continue this way. So my resolution this year is simple: to finally start living for myself.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to make others happy, almost always putting their feelings and happiness over mine, doing everything I can possibly think of to protect their emotions and feeling incredibly guilty myself when I do not. It’s why I’ve ended up like this, but I’m not going to be that way anymore.

I only have one life, and if I waste it trying to please every person I meet, that life is going to be very short. I need to start living for me and no one else, doing what makes me happy and being proud of it and not caring what everyone else will think and say. Cause at the end of it all, there are only two things that I will always have: God and myself. So why try to live for everyone else?

I have a good feeling about 2018, even though I’m starting it off a bit unsteadily. But I guess we shall see how it all turns out.

I hope to post frequently again now that I’m graduated, but who knows what will pop up in the future and keep me from actually doing that.

Thanks so much for reading, and I hope you have a happy, blessed new year that is dedicated to you and no other person in the world.

Until next time ‚̧

Thought Roulette

I’ve wanted to post on here again¬†for quite some time, but I honestly haven’t had a clue of what¬†to say. I’ve been a little overworked and thus lacking in the creative¬†department lately, so I’ve just been pushing this whole blogging thing aside in hopes of getting a giant spark of inspiration at random that causes me to drop everything I’m¬†doing¬†simply so I can come on here and write.

Well, that hasn’t happened and probably is never¬†going to¬†happen, so instead of continuing to wait, I’m just gonna start rambling on about anything that pops in my head. I think I’ll call it idea roulette, for reasons that are hopefully obvious to everyone out there. This’ll be fun — probably more so for you than me, but fun nonetheless.¬†So let’s get started!

First up, I’m heading to South Korea this week. Yup, South Korea, about as far away from Pennsylvania as I can get. This is a trip that’s been¬†several years¬†in the works,¬†and I’m so, so excited for it to finally be here. Like, it doesn’t even feel like it’s actually happening. But then again, it does, which really stresses me out.

I’m¬†gonna be¬†traveling¬†with a friend who lives there the whole time, but it’s still a little freaky to think about being so far away from home. Like, for the next six weeks, I’m gonna wake up in the morning, and all of¬† my family and friends will still be living out their lives in the day before. What?? I’m gonna be ahead of basically everyone else¬†in the world time-wise. Isn’t that insane?? I’m so used to being behind everyone else! It’s gonna be so freaky!

But I guess I’ll get used to the change pretty fast, so long as the jetlag doesn’t¬†destroy me first.

Oh, but I’m going to be taking so many pictures while I’m there, omg. (Super sorry for continuing to talk like the 20 year old that I actually am in this post.)¬†I literally can’t wait for all of the beautiful things I’m going to have the chance to photograph. It’s gonna be INSANE. So follow me on Instagram if you like photography, cause there will be a ton of [hopefully] awesome travel pictures appearing on there every single day.

Shameless self promotion, I know. More to come in a bit.

I’ll also make a conscious effort to blog multiple times a month while I’m there, so don’t worry about me falling off the¬†face of the earth once again. I’ll probably be exhausted from walking around so much everyday, but I’m gonna force myself to get up early and blog (as well as edit vlogs and talk to my family back home lol). And I’m sure my homegirl who I’m staying with will also help me stay motivated and actually make me make posts lol. (Love you, Jenny ‚̧ ) So have no fear this time around. I promise I’ll still be here!!

So yeah, I’m going to Korea. That’s a thing. What else?

I’m still single lol, no¬†surprise there. Cute men abound, but I just can’t bring myself to try to date any. I don’t want any of them. It’s very hard to explain the exact emotion that I feel toward¬†relationships right now,¬†so I’m not even gonna try.¬†But just know that I’m still all mixed up and confused about everything. However, despite the constant confusion,¬†I don’t hurt anymore. That’s a glorious thing.

And while we’re on the topic of¬†relationships,¬†I also want to take a second to share with you a great quote that I saw the other week: “Don’t fall in love when you’re lonely. Fall in love when you’re ready.”

(Sorry if I somehow quoted it wrong. I penned it off of memory. Anyway…)

I’ve obviously felt pretty lonely and down at times over the past few months. Now, I am very, very, very much an introvert who enjoys being left to herself to do her own things, which means that¬†being single has really never bothered me, even when it’s lead me to feel lonely.¬†Even now, despite everything, I’m virtually unfazed and thus have been very good at resisting the urge to simply choose a random suitor and start up a fling in order to fill the void. That kind of thing just doesn’t appeal to me — or normally doesn’t.

This time, however, due to all the circumstances surrounding my singleness, it appealed to me for just a second. I got a little too lonely and thus decided to break free from my norm of ignoring guys and try going out with a dude I met online (not through a dating website, just randomly online).

I never explained all the details of it on here and probably never will, but the dude, who’s the same age as me,¬†started out great and then turned into a total DISASTER. We had two dates, and I left in the middle of the second one, stressed and anxious and reminded of the¬†reason why I don’t want to try dating again right now. Or maybe ever. Who knows. It’s kind of nice not having to answer to anyone but God, tbh.

But anyway, that incident proved that the quote I showed you a few paragraphs ago¬†is true. Anytime you try to find love just because you’re lonely, it’s never going to work out. You have to be wholeheartedly ready to find love, and so does the person you’re with. If both of you¬†aren’t fully¬†ready, it’ll never work. Ever.

Trust me, cause I know from experience.

Ah, but while we’re still on the topic of dating, I guess I should talk about the vacation I just got back from.

I spent 10 days in Aruba with some of my family, and it was amazing¬†‚̧ It was one of the best vacations I’ve ever had in one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. I vlogged the whole trip and have been posting the videos¬†as often as my crappy computer is letting me. Check the vlogs out here, and pretty please subscribe. Pretty, pretty¬†please. With more sugar¬†on top than has ever been on top before ‚̧ I only have six subscribers. That’s pathetic and speaks nothing to the quality of videos I’m actually posting.

(Told you there was more self promotion.)

But anyway, while I was in Aruba, I got asked out on a date by a bartender at my resort. We had become friends over the days, and us going out was definitely more of a friend thing than anything (even though he made it clear multiple times that he thought I was beautiful and awesome and yadda yadda ya).

Well, he ended up hardcore standing me up, and we haven’t really spoken since lol, except for an awkward fake apology he tried to give me in front of my sister. What a guy XD

There was also this¬†dude staying at the same resort as us who was super cute and who I could tell was interested in me. But nothing ever came of¬†it cause he was¬†from the Netherlands¬†and spoke no English, and I speak no Dutch. Sad day ūüė¶ (But also not really lol because he probably sucks, too. Or he’s the greatest guy in the world, and I should’ve tried to drop a “hallo.” Who knows. Only God does.)

And speaking of God, the past few months have basically been me just sitting back and letting Him take total control. Cause what else can you do? Our choices only intervene with the plan He already has set, so why not just let go, relax, and follow the course? He can only take us higher than where we are now.

Anyway, that’s all I can think of to say right now, other than happy Sunday, and isn’t Harry Styles beautiful???

harry2

Thanks so much for reading my little game of thought roulette. Hope you enjoyed.

Until next time ‚̧

A Preview: “Run”

The following is a brief preview of the novel I have been working on in my spare time for about five months now. I don’t want to explain what it is about. I just want to offer you a snippet for your (hopeful) enjoyment. If you would like to give any feedback, please feel free to do so in the comment section below.

Now without further ado, please enjoy the first chapter of the book I plan on fully writing within this year:

Continue reading

Crushing Once Again

Because who doesn’t always have some cutie on his or her mind?

That’s right. I’m crushing, and I’m crushing real hard. You know, you’d think it would get easier to deal with the feels as time went on, especially considering the fact that I’ve been boy-crazy¬†literally my entire life. Like, I used to make family and friends and stuffed animals pretend to be my boyfriend and take me on “dates.” I used to get yelled at for staring at the attractive boys in the grocery store for too long. I used to try to assuage my mind from the monsters under my bed every night by thinking up “films” where I was starring as an adult who just so happened to meet¬†the love of her life (most often Nick Carter) on that month’s trip to the beach or that morning’s daily run. Gosh darn it, my first (and, uh, only) real boyfriend was even when I was in kindergarten! And we dated for two years! Two years!!

I was bad.

Simply put, I was in love with boys and men and love and dating. And when I say in love, I mean in love. I was simply born with a soft spot for romantics and sexiness–as proven by the fact that the events of the last paragraph are basically all¬†of my first memories of life itself. Yeah.

I’ve simply always had love on my mind, and I always will. For me, it’s natural and never going to go away.

But¬†as I get older, even though my affinity for the opposite sex stays just as strong, my love of love¬†is, oddly enough, changing quite a bit. Now, romance has become a little less “aw”-inducing and a little¬†more, well:

Yes, romance is no longer as romantic as I once thought it was. Now, I’m simply in love with the idea of being in love. Everything in the films and on TV and in books and in my head is perfectly okay, but the thought of actually finding someone who loves me, too (who is not Barney), however, terrifies me, grosses me out, and makes me do like Lucy above. When thinking of being swept off my feet, I go completely blank for a second–and then suddenly get the¬†urge¬†to back away slowly into the corner and drop into the fetal position so I can silently rock and cry away reality.

For some reason, people liking me in a more-than-friends way just creeps me out, which definitely isn’t normal, I know, and is most certainly not helping out the fact that this single pringle is beyond ready to mingle. Like, if someone doesn’t come for me soon, I’m gonna go stale.

Okay, yeah, yeah, I know; pringles come in packs of 90 and therefore aren’t single.

But I have about 90 other single friends right now, which therefore does make me a pringle, and as we all know, I am single, so, therefore,¬†my above analogy and its internal rhyme are¬†correct: If I don’t find someone soon, I’mma end up like this:

Well, that plus really red eyes and a chronic cough and lots of hives cause I’m ridiculously allergic to cats.

It’s just a huge mess, I know! That’s why I’m here!

Although, I do like the girl’s glasses.

The point is, though, that there are so many beautiful boys in this world, and I am still so alone!¬†I desperately want a relationship! I look around, and I see happy couples doing happy couple stuff, and I want it. I want to go on candlelight dinner dates and stay up late talking about life and run away for a weekend to the middle of nowhere and have sporadic picnics and receive cute texts every here and there…

But then it comes to the hand-holding, hugging, kissing, and general skin-ship part, and I, well, start making like Lucy again…

I just don’t like to be touched, okay! It’s simply a weird thing for me! But in a relationship, you’re kind of supposed to touch. I mean, that’s the whole point! So, uh, as we all know, I can’t have a real relationship if I don’t want my significant other touching me.

Which is why my future is looking very furry.

Ugggh, the struggle is too real…

Is this normal? Is this a sign that I’m going to be alone forever? Or is it a sign that I just haven’t met the one yet? Cause there are definitely guys out there who I would totally be okay¬†getting jiggy with, like:

Orlando Bloom,

RDJ,

G Dragon,

James McVey,

young Leo,

Tom Hiddleston,

(THEM EYES, THOUGH)

Peter Pevensie,

(#SexyAngryPeter4Lyfe! Although his sister doesn’t seem to approve. Pshhh, whatever.)

Kevin Woo,

Torrance Coombs,

(“For being too sexy.”)

Beau Bennett,

And Jeon Jungkook, to name only a few.

(No judging, okay?)

But then there are the guys I meet in real life, the guys who I legitimately develop feelings for and want to spend the rest of eternity alongside but with whom, for some reason, I could never imagine myself getting romantic. Ever.

EVER.

And this is a problem, for I can bet you any money that I’m never going to meet any of my celebrity crushes, have one of them fall madly in love with me, and then end up marrying him. So, that leaves me with all of the adorably nerdy characters I know who are perfect for me personality-wise but who make me dry-heave when I think about getting even a kiss on the cheek.

Gah! Whatever am I going to do??

Am I hopeless? Or am I just being dumb?

Oh, I don’t know! I’m not going to give up, though. Maybe there’s someone out there for me, someone who isn’t a celebrity. Or maybe I’ll accidentally stumble into Orlando Bloom one day while wandering around campus. Or maybe Beau Bennett will coincidentally waltz on into the store I work at some time. Or maybe I’ll just so happen to stay at the same hotel as Jeon Jungkook. Maybe, one day, I will¬†have one of my celebrity crushes.

Or maybe I’m simply destined to be

But, you know what? If that means I can have the crazy cat chick’s glasses as well as the freedom to do whatever the heck I want whenever the heck it please me (including, but not limited to, buying ridiculously expensive clothing just because, adopting all¬†the Asian babies, writing seven billion novels, owning two labs, visiting each country in the world at least once, making my own major motion picture starring only Leonardo DiCaprio, hoarding dark chocolate, and singing k-pop/dancing around like a maniac to it all the time), then I’m game. Sure, being “forever alone” would very much so suck, but if that happens to me, I’ll just do as John Milton’s Satan did and make a Heaven out of Hell.

…And a Hell out of everyone else’s happily married Heaven, muahaha!

The Not So Eternal Nature of Friendship

My mom has always told me that God, in strange and mysterious ways, filters out the people He doesn’t want in your life, the people He knows will only one day bring you down. And I believe that, wholeheartedly.

Yet this time around, it’s not making me feel any better.

As friends came and went while growing up, I could always remember the above, and it would help me get over it. It wasn’t me; it was them–or would be them–and God knew it. So, he drew us apart.

But when you’ve just lost a friend, your best friend–a friend who, in your mind, is essentially a sibling–it’s a difficult concept to grasp.

No, she didn’t die, but she might as well have.

We met when I was five and she six. Apparently, I knew her little brother from before then, but I don’t remember that. The only thing I recall is that same little brother begging me to help him find his mommy, and then there was my soon-to-be best friend.

We hit it off and were inseparable for the next eleven¬†years, ¬†but I’ll spare you the details of that fantastic¬†friendship–of that¬†sisterhood–and jump to when it all changed into what it is now.

To where I changed into what I am now.

During the summer before our sophomore year of high school started, I traveled a lot, and when I finally got back for the last month off, my family got a brand new puppy. And our home was under construction. And I had all of my summer assignments left to complete.

Needless to say, I was on house arrest for the rest of that summer.

I explained it multiple times to my friend, but she just didn’t seem to understand. In her mind, the puppy could survive perfectly on its own in a home full of strange men rebuilding things. In her mind, school work could wait. In her mind, she was my first priority–for that’s how it was¬†the past¬†11 years of our lives–and how dare I think otherwise.

She freaked out on me, told me she had a new friend, and said it was all my fault–among¬†other things that I have blocked out of my memory since.

Now, I’m a nice person. I don’t judge others, and I don’t tell people nasty things. If I have an issue, I take it up kindly. In my mind, treating people poorly is¬†just wrong.

And she knew this. She also knew that I have more compassion in my little toe than a lot of people do in their whole bodies. She knew me better than I knew myself, and she played with that. She knew¬†exactly what to say to make me hate myself for putting other things before her. She manipulated and controlled me, and I didn’t even know it. I was–and had always been–her little marionette.

I didn’t realize that until a long while later when we were so¬†distanced that I was finally able to reflect sans¬†her bias. I guess that’s why I’m so bitter and angry now (because I didn’t even realize I was being used for nearly a decade and a half) and was so sorry and upset then.

I don’t know how many times I apologized to her, but it was a lot. And I think I cried for two days straight. I simply believed everything she told me, as I had always done, because I loved her so much.

Side Note: Finding out in retrospect that her love wasn’t always returned…Well, you can imagine what that’s like, living a thirteen-year-long lie.

Eventually, though, we made up, and we really tried our hardest to get back to the way we were, to act like everything was fine.

But it wasn’t.

Plain and simple, I was still angry at her for freaking out over such a simple thing, for being so possessive of me, and she was still mad at me for “abandoning her.”

Yet she was the one with the new best friend.

Oh, yeah, you thought that was just a threat? Well, so did I. It wasn’t, though. She replaced me with the girl who lived down the street from her, the girl who she told me everyday since we met her in sixth grade¬†how much¬†she hated her, the girl who she didn’t get how anyone could be friends with– myself included.

Yes, nothing like the good old I’ma-date-your-other-friend-now-that-I’m-done-with-you tactic. Who knew it could hurt just as much in friendships as it does in dating?

The actual replacement itself wasn’t what hurt, though. It was its permanence.

Yes, she had replaced me in the past, but it was more of an “I’m bored of you” type of thing where she’d hang out with someone nonstop for a few¬†months until they broke her little heart. Then she’d come crying back to me, the one who had never left her despite being abandoned herself. She was always so grateful that I stayed¬†despite her stupidity.

And I was always so happy to.

So when she replaced me with that girl, I simply thought, “Here we go again!” But it turns out that that replacement before sophomore year was final.

I hoped for so long that it wouldn’t be (despite how unhealthy our relationship was, as I would later realize). I hoped for so long that it would truly be just another phase, except dragged out a little longer. For three years, actually, I waited, blinded, holding onto the promises we once made of¬†growing old together, of¬†being at each other’s weddings, of raising our kids next door, of moving in together during college. I was so blinded by the promise of friendship, by the uncondition-ality that she made me feel we had, that I never saw what was really going on: that¬†she was both genuinely and wrongfully angry at me because I had¬†finally (even though unintentionally) given her a taste of her own medicine. She was mad because she finally knew how it felt to be left completely on her¬†own by the one she¬†thought would always be there.

And three years later, she¬†still feels same. Three years later, it’s still, somehow, my fault.

Over those three years, I struggled a lot. Some days I hated her, some days I hated myself. Back then, I hadn’t yet realized what was truly going on, so I was always an emotional wreck. And as an introvert, things got rough.

If I had only let go of her then when it happened, I wouldn’t be so bitter now. But I didn’t know any better. I tried to hang on. I tried to keep her and everything we had from slipping through our fingers, but every time I got near, I was simply¬†pushed away. Every time I tagged along, I was blatantly ignored. Every time I tried my hardest to show how much I truly cared, she tried her hardest to show how much she couldn’t care less.

I kept holding on because I didn’t want to let her down and actually become the horrible best friend I knew she thought I was. I wanted to prove her wrong, to make her feel bad for making me feel bad.

So, for three years, I hung on to the girl I helped through countless dangerous emotional struggles. For three years, I held on to the only girl outside of my family who I could spend ten hours straight with doing nothing but sitting on the couch watching TV. For three years, I held on to the relationship I thought was beautiful and genuine and real. For three years, I clung on desperately, trying with all my might and capability to hold the strings she was so fervently unraveling together. For three years, I held on, still considering her my one true and blue best friend among my many other best friends.

But for those three years, she was simply unraveling us faster than I could keep up.

And three years later, she’s still ripping us apart, unconvinced that I’m the person I used to be–the person that I’ve always been–despite three extra years of counting her as the main person who makes up the other half me.

But today, the counting has finally stopped.

Today is the day in which her mom will marry her soon-to-be step-dad. Today is the day that the man who saved her mom from a borderline abusive relationship–a man it took many,¬†many years of my convincing for her to like–will permanently become a part of her life. Today is the day that she dreaded up until the past year when she finally saw the good that he brought into her world. Today is the day I’ve been hoping and praying for since eight years ago when I found out her parents were getting a divorce. Today, as she now realizes, is going to be the best day of her life thus far.

And I wasn’t even invited.

Normally, I would comment on that, but I just don’t have the words to explain how that feels.

So, today is the day where I stop saying, “Oh, I once went there with my best friend–er, well, uh, my kind of best friend. I’m sorry, it’s very complicated right now. But, yeah, I’ve been there.” Today is the day where I can finally stop hoping for a remedy and just let go of the itty-bitty threads I’ve been futilely trying to keep¬†together, the threads that have¬†consumed¬†almost all¬†of my time and energy for¬†the past three years. Today is the day where, even though I’m giving up–even though I’m incredibly heartbroken–I can pause, feel joy, and just take a moment to¬†breathe.

Today is the day in which I will finally swallow the bitter pill our relationship had been and simply be happy, for today is the first day in thirteen years where I can actually live my life.

I don’t have to worry about her anymore. I no longer¬†have to send her a monthly how’s-it-going courtesy text just so she doesn’t think I’ve abandoned her the way she’s abandoned me. For the rest of my life, unless I want to, I don’t have to care about or deal with her ever again. And, even though that¬†kills me to say–for I will always care about her and never forgive myself for letting us get so broken that we couldn’t be fixed–it’s still also serving as such a relief.

The anchor’s been lifted, and I can finally sail away. And as much as my brain is saying¬†that I should keep trying, that I shouldn’t be relieved, my heart is saying that it’s okay, that it’s right to finally give myself a break.

And, just in case you didn’t know, I only listen to my heart when it comes to living.

And today is the day where my heart has changed.

So, sure, the lack of closure is making my mind go crazy, but the events of the past three years are making my heart keep saying that I never really meant to her what she meant to me. And, as my trig teacher in high school once said, “Why even want someone who doesn’t want you?”

So, thanks, God, for today, for today You have shown me just why we’ve grown so distant. She wasn’t good for me; she never was and never will be. Yes, the thirteen years we spent together are making this a hard thing to accept, but I’m getting there. I’m sorry for doubting You before. From the bottom of my heart, thanks for showing me her true colors, and thanks for the lack of a wedding invite. It’s¬†a terrific lesson to have under my belt in life, and, as much as it hurts, I am grateful.

Yet I still pray that You never let anyone else experience this kind of pain ever again…because it’s awful. There are no words out there to accurately describe just how awful…

In Jesus’ name, as I will always pray,

Amen.