A.K.A. the real reason why I haven’t blogged in months.
So, it’s been more than awhile since I’ve made a post on here. I don’t even remember the last one or what it was about, but I can almost guarantee it promised that I would be posting more soon. I do that all the time: go MIA cause of school, get a free day, actually blog, promise to post more, then go MIA again cause I don’t get another free day until the end of the semester. Oops.
But this time around, that’s unfortunately not the case, even though I wish it was.
If I remember correctly, I took a brief break from blogging for a couple of weeks to travel with the man who, at the time, was my boyfriend. Once I returned, I was going to post on here about all of our lovely adventures, then continue on with my blogging as normal. It was gonna be great.
And it was great. I had been with this guy (mostly long-distance) for a year and a half, and travelling was really the only way we got to spend a lot of time with each other. So the two weeks was a blessing, and after it, we went back to being long-distance. It was a sad time, but we were dealing with it. And I was just about to post about our travels on here when he called me and officially proposed.
It was 3 am his time, and he had been up all night talking to his father about what he actually wanted with his life. The answer he came to was me, and he decided to make me permanently his as soon as possible. So he proposed.
Even though I am young, I felt exactly the same. The distance was killing me just as much as it was him, and I didn’t want to spend any time away from him ever again. Literally, ever. So the second he asked me to marry him, I said yes, with no hesitation. He was the one for me.
I had known he was the one since around the time we met. And he apparently knew immediately, too, that he was gonna marry me — or at least that’s what he always said. But no matter. Marriage and a future together had been a common topic of discussion between us for a long, long, long time, so when he finally made the move to make it legit, I took it.
I went home beyond myself with ecstasy and told my family all about what happened. They were all so happy and more than willing to help us figure out all the details of the future. It was a joyous time, and when my boyfriend woke up, I told him everything my family and I had discussed that night, all of which pertained to some ideas on how to make things work out best. He seemed agreeable and like he was just reading everything over, really taking it all in.
But it was getting late, and after awhile, I could tell that something was a little off. I called, and he didn’t answer. I called again later, and still nothing. I eventually told him that I was going to bed and hoped he would answer me in the morning.
And answer me he did…
I woke up three hours later to a text message from him. What it said exactly, I don’t remember. I deleted it about two days after it happened. But the gist of it was this:
Leah, we were good while we were together traveling, but I just don’t think we fit together anymore. I’m sorry, but I won’t marry you. I might regret this later, but I know you’ll achieve everything you want without me. Good luck.
I panicked a little when I read it, as anyone would have. It had been maybe 10 hours since he proposed and three hours since it became official (meaning since my family approved). How could someone have changed his mind so fast? If he was so unsure about marrying me, why did he even propose in the first place?? How could any human being propose and then take it back the same day with absolutely no justification and with the other person doing absolutely nothing wrong???
I tried calling and texting him over and over and over again using the messaging app we normally communicated on. (That’s what he sent the breakup text through.) I needed an explanation of why he would do this to me, since he didn’t provide one in his very cowardly attempt at ending it all. But nothing. No answer, no response, nada. So I tried FaceTime. It rang twice, and then he cancelled the call. Oh no you didn’t, was my thought, and I immediately hit the “call back” button.
But I was blocked. The call would not go through because he had blocked my phone number. And that was when I realized that he had blocked me on the messaging app, too, which is why he wasn’t answering.
How cold. How low.
I lost it right there when I realized that he really meant what he said. Before, I was thinking that maybe he was just messing around or being totally irrational but could be quickly convinced otherwise. Lol, nope. He meant it, and even after all of the time we spent together and all of the promises we made, he just simply didn’t want it anymore. He didn’t want me anymore, and he would rather never hear from me ever again. And it wasn’t even because I did anything wrong. It was just because that’s what he wanted. It didn’t matter what I thought. Nothing about me mattered anymore. The only thing he wanted was to block me out of his life forever and move on, never having to say sorry or reap the consequences of his heinous action.
(Again, I say coward.)
I physically felt my mind snap when these thoughts passed through me. There are no words to describe what it was like, or else I would. It is something you simply have to experience in order to know, and I hope that none of you ever have the pleasure of experiencing it and thus knowing.
Needless to say, however, I sobbed all morning. My parents cried, too. My dad almost got on a plane to murder my ex (true story, lol), but my sister eventually convinced him later that day that it wasn’t worth the prison time. I agreed completely. Plus, if anyone was going to kill him, it was gonna be me.
(Not that I’m gonna kill him, lol. I’m literally on the other side of the world right now. And also, killing/violent behavior is totally against all of my beliefs, so that’s just not a possibility.)
But anyway, I cried all morning, then went to work and cried some more. Then came home from work and cried some more. Then went out to dinner with my sister and her boyfriend and cried some more. Then went home and cried some more. Then went to bed and cried some more. And I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried, for maybe a whole week straight (which is a lot for me cause I don’t cry unless I am experiencing extreme emotions).
And why wouldn’t I have cried for that long? I even still cry about it sometimes. (Well, it has only been a month.) That day, my whole world and future came crumbling down upon me, and there was nothing I could do but stand there and get hit by the rubble.
My heart became a ghost then, just a shadow of everything it used to be. When he left me, he took all my love and all of my trust, and now, I don’t think I can ever be with anyone. Not just because I’m not over him, but because I simply no longer have anything to give anyone. He took it all. My heart is empty now, and I’m not quite sure how it can ever be refilled. Not after this.
But back to the main story: I bombarded him with emails over the two days following our breakup. He hadn’t blocked my email, so I knew he would read what I sent. All I wanted was an explanation, and then I would let him go forever, for, even though I obviously still loved him at that point, I also hated him with all of my heart. So the second he told me why he took his proposal back, I would be done forever.
He answered me the morning after the breakup, saying something completely incoherent that was just a lame excuse in general. It couldn’t have been the real reason, and if it was, there was something seriously wrong with him. (Not saying that there isn’t anyway, lol.) So I emailed back demanding a phone conversation. The next morning, I got one.
We spoke for maybe an hour. During the conversation, he said that he decided not to be with me anymore because:
- He felt like I chose a vacation over him because I couldn’t cancel my trip to Disney to go visit his family instead. (There’s a whole other story that goes with that, and I don’t feel like explaining it now.)
- He didn’t want to deal with me.
- He wanted to marry me but also didn’t want to marry me because, like he said before, he didn’t want to deal with me.
At that point, I said fine. I told him that, if those were the reasons, then I was glad he left. I mean, why would I ever want someone so immature who thinks that being with me is “dealing with me”? I’d be better off without him! I also reassured him that he really never was going to have to deal with me ever again, cause there was no way I would ever take him back.
Which is when he begged for forgiveness, of course.
He went into the whole BS spiel about how it was the biggest mistake he’s ever made and how he is so, so, so sorry and already regrets it and his whole family won’t talk to him and how I’m his soulmate and he still can’t live without me… But he also can’t marry me. So can’t we just be friends?
I was beside myself. I didn’t believe a word of the love garbage, and I honestly don’t know what came over me when he suggested being friends. But for some reason, I agreed to that. Maybe it was cause I felt bad for him and didn’t want to abandon him, even if he had abandoned me. Maybe it was also because I thought we wouldn’t really talk ever again no matter what, and I just wanted to end on amicable terms. But whatever it was, I agreed, and I regret it a lot now.
But that’s for later.
Over the next week and a half, he texted me all the time, and he would call occasionally, too. At that point, none of it annoyed me, and even though I hated him with all my heart for what he did, it was sort of nice to see that he was alive and okay. So I would answer when I had the chance, and everything was sort of fine (despite the sickening depression that had taken over my soul).
But then the day my Disney trip started, he told me some very… interesting news: that he was getting back together with his ex.
(I don’t think it was a coincidence that this news broke on the day my trip started, by the way, since my trip is one of the reasons he left me.)
Funny story about him and his ex: They dated a couple of years ago for just a few months, and then he went away to the army. Almost as soon as he left, she ghosted him, not saying a word until after he met and fell in love with me and reached out to her as a courtesy to officially break up. At that time, she said that she had no feelings for him whatsoever, which is why she just ignored him all that time. (Yet she never had the courtesy to say goodbye. Classy girl, eh?)
Apparently, though, as soon as my ex and I broke up, his friend told my ex’s ex that he was back home, and she reached out to him, saying that she loves him and wants him back. Apparently, she begged him, and my ex “felt bad” and “didn’t hate her,” so he said yes.
Well, that bothered me a lot, especially because he said that he was considering moving in with her. Like, for real?? It hadn’t even been two weeks since he was considering marrying me!! What the **** was wrong with him?????
A lot, apparently, because a couple of days later, we had a conversation about him not taking her back. He told me that he had already promised her to get together again and thus could never take his word back. (OH THE IRONY!) I told him that he owed her nothing because she abandoned him, so he didn’t have to date her again if he didn’t want to. But he didn’t care. He didn’t listen to me. He actually even tried to tell me that he loves her, which I called him out on, for he had told me that he loved me literally an hour before.
Then he said that he just liked her and thought she was cute, so why not date her? He couldn’t say why he liked her, though. (LOL) (And he still can’t come up with one thing he likes about her. I can come up with one thing I like about literally everyone I know, even him. Yet he can’t about her. So why is he still with her???
Oh, right. He is still with her because he “just wants to live freely right now.” Because having a girlfriend while you want to be free makes total sense, right????
And another side note: You’re probably wondering why she is even okay with dating him after everything he just did to me. Well, she is okay with it because HE WON’T TELL HER!
She has absolutely no clue that he ever dated anyone after her, let alone almost married the girl he was with! To her, I don’t even exist, and it’s so cruel to the both of us. But one day when she finds out (because she totally will lol, karma!), I am gonna be such a happy girl.
End side note.)
To spare you the details of the rest of that conversation about him dating her, he ended up getting mad at me and making me cry, then hanging up without a goodbye. I cried alone outside in the cold for awhile, then I went back inside so incredibly depressed, I thought I would just drop dead.
The next day was the worst one of my life. I was in Epcot, my most favorite place on earth, yet I felt like I wasn’t even alive. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry until the end of the world. The feeling of possibly dropping dead at any second remained, and I honestly have no idea how I even made it through that day.
But I did, and the next day, I was so freaking happy. I didn’t know why, but I went from one extreme to the other like nothing, which sort of scared me. But it was also nice to finally be happy again.
Later that night, my ex sent me a picture of his new girlfriend (who isn’t attractive at all, lol, not that looks matter, but she also isn’t a nice person), and that just sealed the happiness deal. He had made the biggest mistake ever downgrading back to that mean, boring, selfish, old-looking biddie he used to complain to me about all the time before we started dating. And I couldn’t stop laughing from joy. I’ve been in that joyous state ever since, just because I know that he was the mistake and not me. It’s wonderful. So, so wonderful.
As to how we are lately, he texts and calls me every single day and night, basically all day and night. When I don’t answer, he panics a little and starts messaging me multiple times in a row. It’s kind of exhilarating to see, because where he is in his life right now is absolute torture for him. And that makes me so happy, as sadistic as it is. He deserves unhappiness for forever after all he’s put me through, and seeing it play out is so satisfying.
He complains every single day about how he doesn’t like where he lives and doesn’t like his girlfriend — who he didn’t just move in with, by the way. They bought an apartment together.
(I’ve been telling him this from the start, and I will continue to say it forever: She is just using him for his $$$$$$ to help pay for her house, and I can’t wait for him to find that out himself.)
Anyway, He also complains about how he is bored and misses me and doesn’t want to go back to school and doesn’t want to get a job and just wants to have an exciting life —
And I never comment. I just let him say it all, and then I move the conversation along. Why? Because I really don’t care that he is feeling the effects of his mistakes. Like I just said, I’m happy about it and feel absolutely no sympathy. He was going to have an exciting life with me, but he gave it all up. So everything that happens now is just something he has to deal with.
And something I get to spectate.
But I must say that I would really love my current situation even more if the random “I love you” and “my little angel” and “show me your face” messages would stop. BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY YOU DON’T LOVE ME IF YOU LEFT ME, AND OBVIOUSLY I AM NOT YOUR LITTLE ANGEL IF YOU CAN JUST REPLACE ME WITH SOME OTHER GIRL. SO STOPPPPPPPPPPPPP.
But alas, I have no real control over any of that, except to ignore it and hope it one day ends.
So to sum this ridiculously long post up, I am over him. Yes, I still get angry when I think about everything that happened, but what’s done is done. It’s a particularly sour breakup, but there is nothing I can do about it except get up and move on, especially cause he’s finally done kicking me when I’m down in the dirt, so I need to take this chance to get away before he can come back and hurt me again.
You know, it may seem like I am over him very quickly after having loved him so much for so long and almost agreeing to spend the rest of my life with him. But, to be honest, what I’m feeling now is very superficial. If I ever let myself (which I never will), I could definitely find that same strong love I had for him again. It’s still there. I can feel it. It’s just way, way, way deep down in the pits of my currently bitter soul. And it won’t be surfacing anytime soon.
I’ve pushed it down so far because that’s really the only thing I can do. If he doesn’t care about me, then why should I care about him? He clearly doesn’t deserve any love from me, so I’m not gonna give him any. Even if I have to drown it in the bottoms of my being, that love will not come out. (Getting denied and kicked around and hurt so many times by the one person you truly care for will do that to you.)
So my conclusion is this:
What I experienced was real love, but only on my part. The other half was lying, and I found that out the hard way. How do I prevent that from happening again in the future? I don’t know. I can’t just shut myself off and never date anyone ever again in order to protect myself from being broken (as much as I want to), but I also cant think of an alternative.
Honestly, though, this all is probably a beneficial thing for me, because any breakup in the future is going to seem like nothing compared to this. But still, it’s a scary reality to face, that love probably isn’t really real, and it’s knowledge that I’m going to have to find a way to live with — hopefully sooner than later.
But I guess the moral of this story is that love stinks, boys suck, and owning dogs is the best way to go.
Now I’m exhausted from reliving this nightmare, so goodbye for now. I should be back again soon, but as I said at the beginning of this heinously long post, that never actually happens.
Huzzah to empty promises!
And I’ll talk to you again later. Thanks for reading ❤
(Fun fact: As soon as I started writing this, my ex texted me four times in a row. It’s like he’s psychic, I swear.)